"small" vent

hey so im kinda wondering what it would be like to be called she again... even though that's what my parents have been calling me
ive been reading stuff about detransitioning and despite the fact that ive been doing deep dives and recognizing my past behaviors and trying to piece it together and usually coming to the conclusion that I want to be a male, I have yet to talk to a professional.
this worries me. this is something that happens a lot and despite the fact that every time this happens I go back to the conclusion that I am not female I still think about it so much. I wonder if this means something about what may happen in the future. if I regret anything I do. I know exactly how I'd feel if I ended up detransitioning. i'd feel stupid. I hate feeling like that.

here are some of the details I go over a lot:
-when I was much younger I was intimidated by men
-when I was younger I wanted to be pretty
-when I was younger I was never satisfied with my appearance
-when I get called she I tense up and feel very uncomfortable
-I dislike my deadname but im used to being called it
-I used to be unable to take good care of myself
-when I tried to look pretty I only found I wanted to look like a guy
-I don't even like being called "they"
-I have had breakdowns about my feminine appearance
-I have always been envious of men
-I never wanted to do sports (mainly due to feeling like I wasn't good enough)
-I experienced dysmorphia in the past (I don't anymore)
-I can recall being insecure about my body from a young age
idk what do u guys think lol
sorry this was so long