Autistic Burn Out Made Me a College Drop Out - Learning to be Autistic Episode 7

I wanted to drop out of college soooooo bad. But I was really far along at that point so I forced myself to finish but it was painful on every level. Now I looking at going full time at my job (bc it would be wise to save up that money) and I'm dreading it. How do adults like...go to work, then come home and cook, and do laundry, and clean, and keep up with hygiene, and friends...and have hobbies, and not like self combust and hate life.

Man, I relate so hard to this. I failed out of my dream degree because of my first burnout and my mind is not the same, years later. Sometimes it feels like I had a stroke, and I’ve had to rehab my brain in order to do the things I used to be able to do easily. I try, but I can tell deep down that it’s never going to be the same. I’m trying to push through my current degree, but sometimes the burnout gets to bad I think it’s gonna finish me off. Your story means so much to me because I read about all these autistic success stories that “pushed through” and that it’s possible, I’M just not committed enough. I hope that if the day ever comes that I have to choose between my degree and my life, I’ll have your level of self-respect and bravery.

Your time scale being off, that's relatable. Time kind of stops making sense when you're in burnout, doesn't it? Like you can't really think anymore, you're just underwater, so you barely even notice time passing by above water anymore. You're paused, but the world isn't, and that's a fundamentally alienating experience. 17:28 'not really existing as a person' YES that's what it feels like. Like, friends will text me to ask how I've been doing and the first thing I think is 'No you don't understand, I'm not really here right now.' Like I'm shut off. Time is passing and I guess I'm alive, but I'm not here to experience it.

I know I would've never survived a traditional college. I was undiagnosed until 27 and graduated three years prior to that. I did all of my college online in a format where every week we had a set number of assignments and a mandatory number of posts in forums required each week for engagement by Wednesday. So my week typically consisted of reading all of the material for the week and doing the assignments on Sunday when the week's info was available and then building up the mental strength to make my required posts on Wednesday. Monday and Tuesday were completely lost to stress and anxiety. I would then spend Thursday through Saturday torturing myself into trying to contribute further and participate but almost never could. Most days I would spend 4-6 hours staring at the forums rereading the same posts everybody else made and refusing to do anything else until eventually I just gave up for the day or some physical need drew me away. I eventually graduated such a low GPA that it wasn't even worth remembering. They probably wouldn't want to claim I was a student at all, it was barely passable. The only thing that powered me through it was that no one else in my family had ever graduated college so I was determined to do it no matter the cost. The cost ended up being stomach ulcers which have become a chronic issue ever since. I ended up getting a degree in something I was legitimately interested in because I couldn't bring myself to focus on anything I wasn't but the job I work now is in a completely unrelated field and I have no desire to work in the field I graduated in. I don't necessarily regret my choices even though I'm saddled with debt as a result but I do wonder how different my experience could have been had I been diagnosed as a child and gone into college with the knowledge that I function differently. These days I know how to optimize my learning method and situation and am a voracious learner of all things.

I am so glad you posted this. I started college a year ago and it's been a slow descent ever since, and I was just diagnosed with atypical autism. i know college can be difficult for autistic people, but its still so easy to feel alone, especially when theres more content out there about/for autistic children than adults. I havent related to anything so far as much as ive related to this. Thank u for posting

"Burnout 2 electric boogaloo" 😂😂 Loved every part of this video Dana, and the one where you talked about your work history! I'm almost 27, I was diagnosed with ADD and Asperger's at 15, along with "Depressive disorder" which I now recognise as being due to all the times I've burned out. And perhaps in some cases actual depression. These diagnoses were a result of my (I think) first ever burnout at 15, and my inability to concentrate on literally anything. I've been through a BIG burnout about 3 times in my life now, all of which I was also not sure if it was depression or not, and some smaller/shorter burnouts too. It's absolutely horrible. I love that this video is such a real discussion about something that's very much a result of our "invisible disability" that so many people don't take seriously. Thank you!

This is so relatable to me. I’m so grateful for these videos and for you! Thank you for speaking about this stuff. :)

just reading the title and i already relate. i had a near full ride. i entered school with a 3.7 carried over from HS and a few semesters later I had a 1.8 and just gave up on the whole thing.

I always appreciate your "chatty" videos anyways. I do love the fashion ones too, and shared them with my niece who is a teenager hopefully emboldening her to ENJOY fashion and not just wear what "fits in". You are very wise and admirable and brave and create content that is honest and probably doing more good in the world than you are even aware. when I seem to have more frequent bad days I end up tapping into similar things.. an episode of a series I literally NEVER get tired of... cozy clothes.. etc. Nice to feel not alone in having a good grab bag of things for terrible days. Thank you for sharing as always!

I only recently found out that I am autistic. Have been looking up reports and experiences from other people for 3 weeks now. Yours is 100% on point. Thanks for sharing it, it means a great deal to me that I am not alone and can now just refer other people to this video rather than struggle to explain myself.

I don't know if I've been in a burnout for a while or what, but I've been exhausted for years with no known cause. 😮

My life sounds remarkably similar to yours Dana. I'm 41 now and I still have the same 'issues' with burnout and stuff. Nice to 'meet' your online self Dana, from Dan!

Yeah I was diagnosed very young, I’m 19 now. I’m 10 weeks into my semester right now and i’m definitely feeling the shutdown. Even though my grades are holding up… I was hanging out with friends earlier on and now all I want is to self combust…. I’ll have some peace and quiet and i’ll feel good again. Having a roommate also really, really drains me. I just might try getting a single room once I can get one. I’m just holding out for thanksgiving here in the USA in a couple weeks and family events where I get an excuse to stay home for the weekend 😂. And my month-long winter break… I really need a break right about now. This traditional college experience really doesn’t feel like it’s for me ngl.

Hi Thanks for the talk.

Hi someone who researches autistic burnout is Dora Raymaker.

Is there enough to cover shutdowns ? 💚

Ur just like me

What background are you? We could be twins