denigrate - a personal journey into schizophrenia

For some reason I get notifications for wonderful comments but they don't show up here so I can't reply to them, so if that happens to you just know I appreciate them. Especially those of you who have schizophrenia or know someone with it - Try to stay strong and reach out for help. I appreciate you all.

I came from solar sands' video, as a person who suffers from schizophrenia (albeit, mostly auditory), I just want to congratulate you, for just, existing, i have days where it is excruciatingly hard to even function, so I cannot begin to comprehend how hard it must be for you, you are extremely talented, and i know youve probably heard the same words of encouragement many times before but just, keep pushing. I genuinely hope you the best

The fact that there exists a combination of events that could unravel reality for somebody like this *terrifies* me. I do not envy you.

I came from the Solar Sands video, and I want to say that your art is truly powerful. Its terrifying, but in a beautiful way? You are really talented. I know that you did them only for your self, but thank you for sharing them with us (the internet people). I don’t think my words can change much, but I hope that you get better, and stay strong!

I remember now why i haven't made a video in 3 years. It's anxiety inducing to say the least to share personal things like this. However I hope someone gets something out of it. Thank you to everyone who watched.

I'm having a hard time. Haven't left my home in two weeks. It feels like time is standing still. Theoretically there is still a world out there. I have this thing living in one of my rooms, so I can't use that room or it screams. I think I'm going. I should check myself in but I vehemently hate the locked ward. The voices are in there too. Always with the screaming.

Came from Solar Sands. Man, your art hits hard - excellent work, even if it's from a dark place. Best of luck in the future, and keep holding on. ❤

Even if we ignore the fact that you made this while trying to cope up with Schizophrenia, these drawings are really awesome, I hope you get better man

I have bipolar disorder, and suffered through psychosis three times after my brother passed. I heard things and saw visions in my mind; the fear I felt was primordial, arcane, crippling. I've never discussed this online before, but your bravery inspired me. I believe our suffering give us a gift of resilience, insight, and compassion. I am sorry you have suffered, but am grateful you have persevered and contributed your art and experience. It takes a great deal of strength to be vulnerable as you have, and I admire you. Thank you for sharing, and stay strong knowing you aren't alone. God bless you.

Sadly, I don't think I can really say anything to help you much, but I thought it wouldn't hurt to say that I think your art is amazing. Some of the pieces really strike deep, and pretty much all of them are great. There is a raw, undescribeable feeling to them. Normally I am uninterested in any kind of drawings, but your style just hits different. I hope it helps at least for a minute to get a reminder that there are people that appreciate you, even if they are from Internet. I wish you well.

mental illness of any form is extremely terrifying, this video cements the idea 10 fold

Came here from Solar Sands' video. I also draw to cope with my own mental illness. It's a wonderful tool. You say you have no formal training, but your work here shows that that is hardly a setback. To capture your soul and lay it bare for us to see is something for which I am very grateful. I know you said in another comment that you are not doing well, and I am sorry to hear that. I do wish you well though. Thank you for sharing this with us.

my uncle has schizophrenia. he became very scarred and shut everyone out. he hurt my grandma thinking she was someone else. he thought everyone wanted him dead. he boarded up the windows and hid rotting potatoes allover her house. we had to get the cops involved. my grandma said she thought he would kill her. he ended up living on the streets when we got him out of the home... that was a year ago this video is a good way to see how he felt. it has so much loneliness, fear, and confusion in it. art is something that can truly show emotion. (btw my grandma is ok she lives a few block away from us now, my uncle is getting to help he needed he lives in a care center now. i just thought id share this because this reminds me of him. hes a very kind and shy person when he is on his meds.)

this is deeply triggering for me so i can’t watch the entirety, but i want you to know that you are so strong and brave for not only pulling through this darkness but also sharing this for people that it helps. thank you

It's terrible that people have to suffer from disorders like these, I watched the whole video and thank you for sharing your story even if it's a small part of it. You have a lot of talent your drawings are really well drawn, take care man I hope you can find some peace in the future

i really admire your strenght to answer to all of these comments , i pray for you that one day you will find peace within yourself brother , stay strong

I am left with so many questions yet I know the answers anyways. As everyone else in this comment section I wish you the best, here or after. I was diagnosed with a disorder this year, yet I wouldn't want to say I understand your situation because I can't. I hope you find your place, but be sure to know that with your art, you have given a place to others. You are truly human.

I play and watch horror games on the regular but this is genuinely terrifying in a way i cant describe just these simple images in an almost monochromatic color scheme evokes a raw feeling of utter terror i cant really comprehend this art style is... Jarring idk what you were going for with this but it bring an entirely... Awful depiction of your struggles that just feels... Supernatural truly incredible work (with the audio too seriously if you became a director for an indie horror title i would fund the gofundme so fast)

Hey! I don't get to share my experience with psychosis often and looking at your replies to other comments you seem interested, at least a little bit. I was on medication for four years, starting as a teen and ending it just before reaching adulthood. I ended it on my psychiatrist's advice, though they have told me to go slow with it, take half a pill, then a quarter, then a quarter every other day, so I don't face withdrawal symptoms. I did not do that, for I was a bit of an idiot. Hence, I faced my very first, and so far last, psychosis. It is not anything that could be described to someone who has not experienced it. It lasted 3 days and only triggered in darkness. As long as there was sufficient light, I would be ok, but the moment night fell, I would see and experience things. I saw the famous shadow people and things I don't know how to describe, but will call "demons". Day 1 I only saw shadow people. I'm not going to lie, I thought it was cool at first. They were standing around, just watching me. One started pacing next to me. By the end, I was a bit stressed, but it wasn't anything too bad. Day 2 Demons, shadow people and... magic? I remember seeing shadow people again, though they were not as passive this time. They had knives and axes and would hide behind objects to assault me. I felt as though they have cut off my arm, since I saw black blood and felt piercing cold in it. When I tried to go back to my room, it seemed like I walked through dimensions, seeing purple stars in my room and just appearing a few meters ahead of where I was. As I was trying to fall asleep, I opened my eyes to see a disfigured head peeking out from the entrance of my room. The "demon". Day 3 I saw my own death as my heart was pierced with a knife. Black blood covered my chest as I saw myself fall down and bleed out, standing and trying to process what was actually happening. I tried to get to my bathroom, but I felt so terrified that it was difficult to walk. I wanted to huddle down and call for an ambulance, but that meant that I would've had to go outside. I wanted to scream, but that'd mean my parents waking up and I knew that if I saw something move in reality, I would break down. In the end, I was somehow in the bathroom and I took a warm shower to give me some peace of mind. I felt a presence behind me, smiling, and dark-black hands grabbing my waist. Not anything more, luckily. When I then managed to get to my room, I decided to write everything down. I would not remember this nearly as clear if I didn't. When I was writing, I could see a demon watching me, but every time I looked back, it would disappear. I did this back and forth for a solid minute each time before giving up and resuming my writing. I finally finished recollecting everything that happened throughout the three days after 2 or 3 hours and went to sleep. This time, not only was the demon watching me, but I saw another shadow person behind me, laying right next to me, pressing down on the bed, putting his hands around me. He disappeared before doing anything else. The way I saw him was so... weird. I could see him with my eyes, but nowhere in my actual vision. It was as if I opened a compartment in my field of view that would allow me to see in 360 degrees. After this, I didn't have any other such experience. I sent my writing to a friend and she consoled me. I am happy now, as a person. Excuse any mistakes in this text. If it were any other piece of my attempts at literature, I would proof-read it, but I do not want to. Not with this one. I hope that you are feeling better now, informitas. You had more experience with this than I did and if I were in your place, I may have just offed myself already. Though my exposure to you as a person and a creator has been quite lacking, I still feel that you're a hero to me, in a way. :D Thank you for releasing this video. It means a lot.

I found this from your comment on the "Journeys to Hell" Solar Sands video. I've always felt that generic positivity was really cheesy, but I'm at a loss for what to say otherwise. Thank you for existing.