Why Are You Still Single | The Man Enough Podcast

Liz thanks for being so vulnerable. I honestly struggle with the same idea of choosing the wrong partner. Growing I've first hand seen what life is like choosing the wrong partner, and I don't want to end up with a bad partner who I have a child with. This fear is probably why I am still single as well.

This is typically such a loaded question when someone asks, and the answer is extremely personal and often inappropriate to discuss in mixed company.

I appreciate Jamey keeping it real and not pandering too much. He raised a lot of important points. Also appreciate Liz opening up. Stigmatizing conversations like this is part of the problem.

Before meeting my girlfriend of almost 2 years, I was also focusing on what Liz was describing as her recent approach to dating. When I went on a date, I would pay attention to myself and see if the person made me feel like my most expansive self, or conversely if I felt like there were sides of me that I wasn't showing. If I felt like I couldn't be or wasn't being my full self with the person and being appreciated for that, I knew it wasn't the right person for me. That was a huge shift in how I approached dating. Before that I was nearly solely attuned with how the other person felt about me and how I could impress/please them.

I have always been ENM (ethically non-monogamous). It's just how I love. I experienced a great deal of loss early in life, and so I came to love without attachment. And I tend to have feelings for people who are of a similar disposition. I've had traditional relationships before, and they were meaningful, but it's not best for me. Just like any relationship, communication. Communication. Communication. Candor and awkwardness and discomfort save resentment down the road. Communication.

Also… ya this was a strange ep to me, I’m not really sure I understand the point of this convo. It felt like Liz was getting grilled a bit and any answers/perspectives she had were being labeled as wrong. To me it felt like Jamey was coming from a very good/bad binary place about ‘ideal’ relationships that was very traditional and rigid. And don’t get my wrong, I love Jamey. But so much of being single is also often out of your control like, you can’t control if a good person you vibe with comes into your life at that exact moment! All you can do is live for yourself and grow and be open and curious. And to Jamey’s perspective of exploring someone’s character, you said you explored your ex wife’s character and made good choices… what about them exploring your character? Did they feel like you had good character/family/morals at the time only to be cheated on? Of course you were going through a lot and have done much changing and accountability… but maybe those women (and many others) think they did explore someone’s character only to be disappointed/hurt. There’s only so much in your control…. The rest works out as it will.

I'm here from the Barbie podcast. And I cannot anymore. I really enjoyed this podcast (concept, ive listen to most episodes made) from the start but I cannot with Jamie anymore. He is too rooted in toxic masc to see the points in most of the topics discussed here. I struggle so much. His intersectionallity however, Is SOOO valuable, but he cannot see past the patriarchy and I honestly believe he does not think it exist. Maybe one day, but for someone who says things like "once is enough for me" when consuming content that is related to what youre going to discuss on a podcast to be able to analyze it tells me everything i need to know. I love this project, but dang. It's like talking to wall, or listening to someone talk to a wall.

I’m a single mom of 2. One is 2.5 and the other is 8 months. Jamie and Liz are both 100% correct about raising a child alone vs partnered. It’s incredibly hard to do it alone, but I also know choosing a bad partner makes it 10x harder. I’m there. My thought is that a best friend is a great idea. You have trust and longevity of relationship with them already. You’ve seen them through seasons of life. The child can have both parents around if you have two houses or apartments next to each other or even a communal home. Do not rely on your community to be there. They will have things that come up and at the end of the day it’s all on you, so make sure you have a committed and fair partnership. Romance is not necessary for family and love.

What he doesn't get is that most women are not choosing the wrong partners, patriarchy is in fact what makes many men bad partners, who would probably otherwise make good partners. He isn't getting her point and she's not getting through in this conversation. Men automatically blame women for choosing wrong or having trauma without ever questioning why so many woman avoid relationships. It's simply because traditional relationships are not for everyone and patriarchal men are men who project on women and take no accountability. Women don't want that, we want men to listen and understand that patriarchy has to go if we want to have healthy hetero relationships now. They just don't listen & assume they know what women want and what's right for us. Women have to stay single because there simply are not enough good men out there.

Interesting podcast. For me it revealed just how much of a blessing it is to have this version of Jamie now after he has gone through so much growth. I appreciate his leadership and vulnerability. That said, I see his question and his answers represent an enormous blind spot. Liz nails his question in the beginning with the system of patriarchy being a main deterrent to lasting heterosexual partnerships. Too bad they didn't explore that. Instead we explore the empty trail of women (and men) don't learn enough about their partners. It seems quite telling that Jamie's first wife waited 30 years before remarrying. And though Jamie has indeed grown and matured, since then, the new husband is protective of his wife and is suspicious and defensive towards Jamie at first. Now why would that be? Jamie got 3 shots at marriage. And is now mature and committed enough to make this one last. Good for him and where he's at now. But somehow this also has an echo for me, of applauding fathers who actually take care of their kids.

You folx lost me when Jamie said "Those women didn’t investigate those men"." He is not listening to Liz or understanding most women's experience. Of course he going to claim he has a great "people picker" he actually believes it. I appreciate Liz bringing up the many challenges for her(and many women) that Jamie just can't grasp.

I’ve been thinking about how I want to feel in a relationship too! Also how sexism/patriarchy affects our dating experiences. I worry about picking the wrong partner and only want a healthy relationship where growth is a huge part of it. I’m not willing to settle just to be in a relationship. I think Liz was put in the spot. It’s a horrible question when we get that the questions, “Why are you still single?” It makes it sound often like a judgement. What’s wrong with you?

The assumption when someone asks "Whyyyyyy the fuck are you still single???? You're sweet, accomplished, etc, etc, etc..." is that there's something terribly wrong with being single, or with wanting to be single, either for a time or forever. Stop that. A woman is not less of a person when she is single, by life circumstances and/or by choice. I'm even saying this from the perspective of someone who happens to authentically conform to a lot of hetero relational norms. I'm monogamous, I love love, I love being in a romantic relationship when it's healthy. And I'm not even single. But damn, why do single women have to be straight-up in this way? Just like child-free women. I'm so sorry, Jamey, but that's really how this came off - as a bit of an interrogation and like you're trying to "fix" her. Also, bringing up the ticking biological clock and the aging thing in general... oofffff dude. That was really insensitive.

I also found it interesting that you both missed the opportunity to consider the perspective of the child: Would the child prefer to he raised by one parent or two? Of course the child prefers a safe, stable, healthy home. What about a community of healthy, emotionally competent, mature adults?

Wow. Many of these ideas seem so 1970s or something. Being single is a viable option - and many many single people are super happy. Why would anyone have to defend his or her choice to be single. I was kind of shocked to hear some of these outdated ideas.

Thank you Liz for being so open and vulnerable and Jamey for all the wisdom ❤

I think the answer is community, not spirituality. We have an epidemic of lonely and struggling people, and instead of looking outwards into the universe, we should look to each other for help.

Hmm i love that this podcast brings together very different perspectives. At the same time, it definitely feels like Jamey was pushing his view on Liz and not actually listening to what she was saying because she didn't put it the way he wanted to hear.

I never clicked so fast! I’m still single so I think listening to this episode will be interesting

Jamey was the MVP of this episode! 🏆 Liz tried to deflect from being transparent and vulnerable, by extrapolating her personal experience in the context of many general ones. Girl, was she squirmy 🪱 But she began considering taking more accountability with time, in-between her deflections. Can't ask Men to do what you're unwilling to do. What im referring to is Being VULNERABLE. Which is the buy in, and not the reward. I Love Brilliant Academic Liz 🥰 But where's the rest of her? The vulnerable, flawed, I'm as human as everybody else part? Jamey Kept It BLACK ✊🏼❤️🖤💚💪🏼 Liz is on her way to her Happiness 🙂 Once she balances the checkbooks between her Brilliant Mind 🧠, and Compassionate yet ever tender Heart 💖