Before You Call Someone Toxic, Watch This. | Mel Robbins
106,705
Published 2020-09-09
â
It seems like every other post on Instagram these days is about ridding your life of toxic people. Thatâs easy to do with some stranger online, itâs not so simple to unfriend someone in real life. And before you are tempted to, watch this video.
Itâs easy to call someone toxic. But itâs not the person who's toxic, itâs their BEHAVIOR thatâs toxic. Just hear me out⊠Everyone has negative qualities. And everyone is capable of acting in ways that are toxic to other people. And hereâs the kicker: Most of us donât know when weâre acting toxic because NO ONE TELLS US. Thatâs why we keep doing it.
What makes another personâs behavior toxic is when it crosses YOUR boundary. Thatâs why someone who is acting toxic is an amazing teacher. Their behavior triggers YOU. If they are your friend or your family member, itâs your responsibility to say something. If you just keep ignoring them, staying silent, or ghost them - because thatâs easier - guess whoâs now acting toxic tooâŠ
The next time you are triggered, it is an opportunity for YOU to grow.
Step #1: Notice that their behavior crossed YOUR boundary.
Step #2: Say something! Donât point to their behavior, explain YOUR boundary.
Something like, âI feel used when you borrow my stuff without asking.â âI am not comfortable talking politics with you.â âMy weight (my love life, my job, my race, my sexuality, my finances) is not something I am willing to discuss with you.â Focus on your boundary.
Step #3: Go deeper - What triggers you exactly and what are you making it mean about YOU? Maybe thereâs something that you need to heal? Maybe thereâs a pattern of thinking that you need to update?
Youâre going to bump into a lot of jerks in your life that donât bother you at all. So if youâre triggered, it is trying to teach you something. What happens to the friendship is beside the point. It says more about you, your growth, and who you are as a friend by choosing to check in with yourself and them, before you unfriend.
â
Catch full episodes of The Mel Robbins Podcast here on YouTube bit.ly/tmrp_playlist đș
Listen to The Mel Robbins Podcast while you're on-the-go! link.chtbl.com/DAinFkFf?sid=listennow đ§ Available wherever you listen to your favorite podcasts. New episodes drop every Monday (to start your week) and Thursday (to get you through it).
â
Subscribe to the channel here: youtube.com/melrobbins?sub_confirmation=1
â
Follow me here:
Instagram: www.instagram.com/melrobbins/
TikTok: tiktok.com/@melrobbins
Facebook: www.facebook.com/melrobbins
Website: melrobbins.com/
â
Want my most popular YouTube videos sent straight to your inbox? Sign up here: www.melrobbins.com/ytnewsletter
â
Looking for my books on Amazon? Here they are!
High 5 Habit: amzn.to/3fMvfPQ
The 5 Second Rule: amzn.to/3372Rl9
All Comments (21)
-
"Toxic" is starting to lose it's meaning. When I hear someone talking about "toxic" people these days, they're probably talking about people who have different opinions, make different life choices, or hold them accountable for their actions and their statements.
-
The importance of self reflection in difficult relationships is important, but not all situations can have a happy ending.
-
Have to be careful with this one bc everyoneâs situation is different. Being âannoyedâ is one thing but flat out and repeated betrayal and smack talk behind ones back is another thing again. THAT is toxic.
-
I cut ties with my mother 10 years ago. She is toxic, manipulating and has narcissistic tendencies. It was completely the right decision for me with regards to my own mental health.
-
And sometimes, you DO have to unfriend in real life when you DO point out the behavior and they keep doing it. My peace is way more important than a friend who does not respect the friendship after trying to communicate with them.
-
I feel like we shouldnât only talk about how to deal with âtoxicâ people but we should also look at ourselves and try to be less toxic because it isnât always the other person, sometimes we are the toxic one.
-
I stopped talking to my sisters and brothers for more than 10 years because they were not my friends but constantly lord over me and told me how I donât mount up to anything. During the years alone I felt so happy and improved myself. Now we talked again and they realised how much I have transformed and they respect me. Sometimes we just have to walk away.
-
Generally people become toxic when they didn't get what they expect from people......
-
Sometimes cutting someone out is the best way. A sad reality, however I always try to self-reflect on my own behaviors to see what Iâm doing wrong. Sometimes ur biggest mistake is tolerating toxicity. I know it was for me.
-
Donât stay where you are not wanted in the name of you donât want to be alone,being in the circle of toxic people can be killing you gradually
-
People that you spend time with will surely make or break you...
-
However, if you never get anything back it's time to let go.
-
This message could be dangerous advice to someone who is being manipulated and abused in a relationship. Someone being abused usually isn't aware they are. They usually carry the blame and shame of the relationship's troubles. They are confused and vulnerable. Encouraging them to fight further for the relationship or to "self reflect"..only keeps them in the cycle of the abuse.
-
This pandemic changed my life. I lost my job, I was lost, then I started this YouTube channel and I'm slowly growing. And it totally changed my life already. If you're watching this, you'll get there at the top one day. Don't give up.
-
Sometimes âunfriendâ isnât possible, especially when that person comes in a package with someone you do care about and want to have a relationship with. At that point itâll come down to minimising their negative impact
-
My name is Amol, from India. And in my experience, people becomes toxic towards you when 1. You are making progress, going ahead in life, earning more. 2. When you are below them financially at beginning but now going ahead of them. 3. You are not giving attention to them they deserve (because they are self-pity). 4. You are not gossiping with them about other people. 5. You are making new friends. 6. You dont allow them to make fun of you. 7. They never heard about "mind your own business" and your life has become their life now. 8. You are not picking their calls in 5 seconds (cause you are busy in household work) 9. Their life sucks. 10. And last but not the least, they prefer sugarcoated lie instead of unpleasant truth.
-
Everyone we meet in life will either be a Blessing or a Lesson đ
-
Wonderful Mel đ. The phrase âtoxic personâ is being branded about constantly these days. Itâs too easy to hit the âblockâ button rather than giving it some thought and turning the attention onto ourselves. I spoke up in a workshop that had booklets labelling people âenergy vampiresâ etc. Friendships are not easy to come by and our friends may be going through hard times and in need of support rather than rejection.
-
Omg I've been waiting for someone to address this the right wayđ the toxicity may not be the other person but a bad situation!
-
Sometimes, it's just time to let that person go. Disagree with the basic message.
