What happens to the scapegoat in adulthood?

The moment the scapegoat of the narcissistic family starts setting healthy boundaries, that is the moment when the scapegoat becomes the blacksheep of the family.... . Harsh reality...

The scapegoat child eventually becomes aware that they have been victimised in their family. They may then notice how this attracted other predatory personalities to them. They may become aware that the root of all of this is because they were taught to have no boundaries in childhood. At this point the scapegoat child may now realise that they need to develop strong boundaries. They need to not be afraid to say "no". They may realise that being alone is better than being disrespected.

As a child I remember telling myself to be kind because I didn't want to make others feel the way my mom made me feel.

I prefer to call myself the escape goat, because I was able to escape and go no contact!

My wife was the scapegoat in her family. She's an amazing mom, wife, best friend. She's loving, fiercely loyal to our son and I. She runs a very successful small business and her work ethic is out of this world. Having been around her toxic family and seeing first hand just how sick and twisted the family dynamic is, you couldn't ask for a better human being. I can't even begin to tell you guys how proud I am of her.

The scapegoat becomes the cycle breaker - and becomes isolated and lonely

Yesterday on New Year’s Eve, my mom gathered us all and said “let’s forgive each other for the past mistakes and move on this new year”. I walked away right then and there because I knew her cycle will continue in the same way, but she cheaply wanted forgiveness without even giving an apology.

Yes, I was the scapegoat and bastard in my family. I had things done to me that was truly horrendous. I have been in therapy since I was 22 yrs. I am now 73 yrs old. I got blamed for everything, even my brothers and sister. I never had a drug or alcohol use. I cannot be with a man. I am a well educated woman and a good professional career. My parents turned my siblings against me telling them I was a liar and crazy. I left at 17, and never looked back.

Told my mom I grew up feeling emotionally invalidated. "That's not true" was her response lol I give up

My Narc father used to tell me all the time: "when you'll have kids, they will fight you back the exact way you are fighting me" I used to tell myself quietly "In order for my kids to fight me, I'll first have to treat them the bad way you're treating me".

As the "scapegoat", in adulthood, I cut off all contact with all family members, and being fiercely independent and strong-willed, went on to heal and went on to be successful, content with healthy relationships, but it did take decades!! But, I have arrived!

"If people who were once scapegoats can trust their guts as adults, they can be the best red flag detectors "....so relatable

Pros: -We are empathetic and anticipate people's moods and needs well -We are resilient AF -When we truly are in the wrong, we are able to admit it and aren't too prideful -We value peace -As adults we can evolve to recognize gaslighting and avoid abusers after having unhealthy relationships.

I remembered at the age of 20 I went to my boyfriend’s parents home. I felt that his mom had some reservations about me but he insisted that I spend time w/ his family. I was nervous. His mom asked me help in the kitchen for either dinner or lunch. I remembered turning to put a gallon of milk on the counter but missed and made a spill on the floor. I started shaking and tearing up. I thought that she would scold like my mom. His mom just looked straight at me and said sweetly it was just milk. Nothing to be worried about. At that moment, I realized that I was traumatized by my mother and needed help. His mother became the mom I dreamed about that day. She just knew what I needed without asking. She saved my life.

You've never met me, but you just described my entire childhood. I went no contact with my entire family, and I've never been happier. November is a really hard month for me though, and I really needed to hear all of this, thank you

I am an adult scapegoat from an indian family, where the sons are born as Gods and my awareness since childhood, being the blacksheep empath, has helped me to become the survivor and the warrior; having suffered domestic violence (GBV) from my father, constantly protecting my mother, I don't take any BS from anyone including my own family now. It's taken a while to get there and I am now in my fifties, living by my own terms and only see my family when I want to. Healthy boundaries are one of the most important factors I congratulate myself for, best move I ever made.

I'd much rather be a scapegoat....than a golden child, flying monkey or the invisible one!.. At 58, I'm OUT, I'm FREE. They're all stuck there in their own filth!

“Scapegoats go on to become tremendous parents”! I needed to hear that! Thank you Doc!

I am blown away how you have just explained all 72 years of my life. My mother was the narcissist and I, as the first born daughter, was the scapegoat. My sister two years younger was the golden child. My life would have been very different if I knew all this earlier. I have always been sensitive and an empath. I’m really a good person and I knew that, even though I was being told the opposite. I broke away at age eighteen to live with my father three thousand miles away. I blossomed! I wasn’t being told how stupid and ugly I was. My new family adored me. I went to school, got a job in the beauty industry and I even did some modeling. On visits to see my mother I told her all this but she still made me feel like I wasn’t good enough. (“You’re too thin. Don’t think you can always use your looks to make money.” Blah blah) unfortunately, I met a narcissistic boyfriend who did to me the same things my mom did. I used alcohol to cope. I lost jobs, went to therapy that didn’t help, and made a mess of my life. Long story short, I moved back to the Midwest to get away from that guy and because of the high cost of living in California. I found my way though. Got a job, met a guy, and got married. (He wasn’t good enough for me according to my mom.) That was when I was 34. We have been married nearly 39 years. Happily! How did I do that!? I was very determined. I had an innate faith in myself. Sorry I went on so long. Plus there was a lot more to the family dynamic that there is no room here to get into. It’s just kind of weird hearing someone describe my life! I have been through therapy several times but none of this ever came up. Thank you!

They cannot stand to see you happy or proud of anything, they have to crush you when they feel your getting too big for your boots.