7 Signs the Avoidant Actually Likes You

Excellent video; I'm still struggling to let go of my seven-year relationship. My former significant other, who I genuinely thought was the love of my life, broke up with me a month ago, and I just can't seem to move on. I'm feeling irritated and powerless since nothing has worked to bring him back into my existence. I've tried to move on, but my heart still hurts for him, and I can't see myself with anyone else. I apologise for posting this here, but I just can't seem to move on from missing him.

There is a reason it is difficult for avoidants to fall in love. It's not possible to really fall in love while we're too busy protecting ourselves. Like turns into love through vulnerability - we start to deeply love people when we feel seen and heard by them - we feel able to show and be open about our true selves (at our best and worst). For avoidants this can involve admitting to our shame-filled avoidant desires, needs and pasts, and in doing so discovering they do not need to be a source for shame after all. Until we're willing to be vulnerable like this, we cannot truly love. When we instead become protective we ultimately become resentful because we don't feel seen, while simultaneously resenting attempts to see us we don't feel ready for, and partnerships become stale. Until we can rid ourselves of the shackles of shame to feel safe truly opening ourselves to another, the closest many avoidants get to feeling love is feelings of yearning or limerence that come from distance (emotional or physical) in a relationship - distance that often actually works against the long-term stability of that relationship.

Many people confuse people who are not that into you with dismissive avoidants. A DA shows up beautifully in the beginning. They are extremely consistent, they reach out multiple times daily, regularly plan quality time to be with you and integrate you into their lives. That is when they are in pursuit mode and before they deactivate. If someone is avoiding your texts, delaying a response and not reaching out and not consistently planning time to see you in the first few months, they just aren’t that into you. My ex DA saw me on a regular basis, was extremely attentive, was excellent with communication and said that he loved me and wanted to marry me- until he deactivated and shut down. The difference between a DA who wants a future with you and one who is the deactivating is night and day.

So true! Wise. Like the 'communicating needs very directly part' changes everything and you'll actually notice that when the DA has a need they'll communicate directly. Direct communication of our own needs is very scary for us anxious types but the DA would really benefit from it. Anxious types can destroy our own relationships more often then we realise

Whew! 😅 It only took me a little over 4 years of breadcrumbing to finally bail on my DA. This time feels different. The resentment just reached a boiling over point and my undying love just did a 180. At least for now. It helped that I met someone who seems to be genuinely interested in me and wants to spend time with me. Hard to pass that up once you start to become more secure. Even if this new thing isn’t a long term thing, it’s hell of a lot better than trying to squeeze blood from a stone. Move on if you can. Don’t do what I did and waste 4 years of your life. Although I will say, this relationship made me understand all of this and helped me get (more) secure. So, I guess not a total loss at all …

I'd say this is pretty accurate. Most DAs have a slow time table when it comes to being able to fully let their guard down. I also don't think it's all about their childhood either. It just as easily could be their experience with peers. I remember I'm grade school my peers didn't want me to play sports. Because I wasn't popular, they just assumed I was terrible at them. They even tried to get other students to stop me from signing up for the team. However, I signed up anyway and because I was big for my age they actually put me on the Jr high team. A similar thing happened in high school. They tried to bully me out of being on the team, but I became the second fastest and third strongest. I made varsity my freshman year. My third example is the martial arts. People told me I was no good until I won regional and international championships in Kung Fu, Kickboxing, and Jujitsu (I'm actually tackling Judo now). This attitude persisted from my peers until I opened my martial art school, of which I became the number one martial art school in my town in 2023. I bring all of this up because it's likely DAs have had to fight so hard all their lives that they have a hard time trusting people, which is understandable. However, if they stop carrying what others think of them, they can unleash a power within themselves far beyond the people judging them.

Consistent in that it takes them 1-3 business days to return a text

One thing frustrating with texting my DA is that they would reply at the end of the day, but they would literally be texting other friends and their phone vibrating from notifications constantly, makes me feel ignored as an AP Like ok maybe you are feeling overwhelmed with conversation juggling, but damn so low on the priority list 😅

Communication and the manner in which it is delivered is absolutely the most fundamental and important thing in any relationship. If there is no communication, there is no relationship. Couples who have poor communication have poor relationships. Temperament is the next most important quality that must be compatible between both partners

Mine still hangs out with me every 2 weeks or so, but has definite become more sociable whenever i let her know im dating someone else. Its funny actually, because I'd be all hers if she wanted it, but she doesn't...at least not on the surface. 😅 Shes a great person though, so im glad we never dropped the friendship even though dating didnt work out

I’m a fearful-avoidant raised by dismissive-avoidants, so I’m watching the DA videos to better understand the “nurture” affecting my “nature”/avoidant aspect of my FA to better heal it. I’m coming to realize that my FA is internal, but probably looks more like a “DA” with a LOT more suspicion and the “F” comes out in terms of fawning and neglecting my needs to “go along to get along” or really intense yearning from being pretty badly love-starved with only this echo of “want! Want person! No want is Bad!” but not even knowing /what/ my needs/wants are beyond “I need to understand someone and their needs to get along to not be hurt or I’ll flee if I can or fawn if I can’t.”

This is good advice re: DAs that you're actually dating/in a romantic relationship with, but what about DAs that you just know in your life in general? It would be interesting to hear what the signs are that a DA who is not dating you likes you, such as the scenarios mentioned at the start of the video (e.g. a DA co-worker, friend, etc.) Would be great to hear about that re: other attachment styles, too!

While I find these videos super helpful, I always come away at the end feeling frustrated like I'm the one who always has to do all of the emotional labor when it comes to a friendship with someone of this attachment style. This is a rhetorical question obviously... but why do I always have to be the one reading between their lines and assuming the best of them when they just show up when they feel like it and that's supposed to be enough because that's just how they're wired? (Generalizing here but just let me vent lol) Bearing the burden of the emotional insight for both people in the friendship/relationship can be exhausting, but it is the reality for a lot of us 😢

Good Video

They’re not stoic lol They’re emotionally castrated. Healthy people should require boundaries & expectations with these types.

Well mine love bombed me then deactivated I reached out but wish I didn’t because she was so cold it’s now been 7 months since we have spoken and thanks giving/Christmas is approaching she’s not getting no texts from me this time.

Help - I’m so confused. Gonna try to condense everything. I think ex is a DA, didn’t know at that time & didn’t know about attachment styles. together just over a yr. Hindsight, I can see he would try to tell me what he needed & how having me over at his place & spending 4 nights out of the wk was a big deal for him. My biggest issue is his female “friend” that he has known for 25-30 yrs. When we 1st met she was there in the distance & giving me dirty looks, like why was I talking to her man. He has always claimed they’re just friends but he will never talk to me or reply to me when she is around or have us in same place w/him. 1 time I was at his place when she was there, I know she was mad I was there so she just left w/out saying a word then gave a BS excuse why she left. Then I found out he would have her spend the night on weekends, we got into a huge fight about it & stopped talking for 4 days, when we started talking again he said he would not have her spend night anymore which lasted for a little while but then eventually she was back & I caught him lying about it either directly or by omission. He also has her completely enmeshed in his life. He claims cuz he was single for so long & she was helping him when he had an accident. While we were together he had another accident & tore his rotator cuff, needed surgery, shortly after that happened I started receiving texts from an unknown #, I figured out it was her, she also put an AirTag on his vehicle. He either knows it was her & has lied to me or doesn’t want to believe it & just wants to be ignorant to the fact. Anyway, he had surgery, she was staying there, he didn’t see me for a month but we were talking on & off cuz we would get into arguments about her being there & him not seeing me. Finally we did see each other & he told me she was not there anymore & she was not going to be there, that weekend I figured out she was there again spending the night, again I was pissed & I told him I was done & compared him to my ex for lying & cheating. We didn’t talk for a wk or 2, then he called me not sober, he was wanting to have sex, I told him I wanted to be in a relationship cuz he would always say we are in between seeing each other & a relationship. (Basically a situationship). His reply to me was he would think about it. I agreed to give him some time because for 1st time he told me he loved me. We went back to texting & calling everyday but during this time he would say remarks about having sex & I would say only if we are in a relationship which he didn’t like. I also noticed he would say things like he didn’t want me to come over to his place anymore that he only wanted to come to mine. Last wk, he calls me, I’m sick, said he was gonna come over but I’m sick. I said sure u were not believing him but he insisted he was. We had another FaceTime that night & another call. After we hung up about an hr later I said good night since I wasn’t feeling well, he replied. Next day he said good morning, it was a physical therapy day for him which he would normally call me on his way but this day he didn’t. I waited til almost 7pm sent a text which he answered within the min, then I asked what r u doing, within same min & got no reply. He didn’t reply for an hour & I know he gave me a BS answer. About an 1 1/2 later I texted that I noticed our communication had been inconsistent & asked him what changed. I got no reply. The next day no communication from either side. I waited to next afternoon & asked if we were back to not talking, he called me pretty quickly acting like nothing was wrong we talked for a little bit, then he called me back on his way to therapy & on way home. This was a Friday, said he was gonna call me or text me later. He didn’t. Saturday I texted good morning, he didn’t text me back for 3 hrs. I knew by this point she was there. A couple hrs later I texted was going out, he asked if I was going by myself I said no, he said ok which is not his normal response. Normally he would ask who I was going with so I asked him why he wasn’t asking. Got no response. I then said guess u don’t care & u have ur own thing going on. He then replied he thought I would just tell him. & that he does care. I asked what he was doing, again no reply, had to ask again finally got another answer that I know was not exactly true. 3 1/2 hrs later I asked him who was by his house, no reply, another 2 hrs later I asked if he was still up, couple hours later tried calling. (I know might seem excessive but if he was texting or calling me & I didn’t reply he would be saying something to me about it). Next day I waited til 4pm to see if he would reply then I texted him that it had been 4 wks & I needed to know what he wanted to happen btwn us. Either we can be friends, be in a relationship or have nothing to do w/each other. He knows my feelings, & whatever he chooses is fine cuz those are his feelings & what he wants but i can’t keep living in limbo & it isn’t fair to string me along if he has no intention of being in a relationship w/me, I’m not a priority or if he can’t live w/out her. I also told him I would not be mad, no matter what he decides. Still no reply. I have no idea why he is not answering, we didn’t get in a fight, I don’t think I said anything bad to him. I’m so confused as to what to do, how to feel or what to think.

like anyone sane would like to deal with avoidant bs ... :/

Arghhh swear - we are back in the friend zone but he wants me show up like I’m his partner - he constantly puts me down and wants to move in together - he’s aware his a DA. It’s been 2months since we were intermit and basically makes vomiting faces when sees me naked etc so hurtful, constantly putting me down trying to detach from me. Exhausting