Letting Go - Healing from Abusive Relationships

Thanks for joining me this evening everyone. Please feel free to suggest any topics you'd like me to discuss in future livestreams or videos.

Anyone on here recovering from an abusive relationship I feel you and you’re not the only one feeling like this. It’s so hard picking up the pieces. All the times you bent backwards for them, all the times you forgave only for them to forget all that and crucify you for things that don’t even exist.

I'm trying my hardest to listen and sum up the courage to leave. This is my second day since I finally decided I had to. I hope everyone watching this video was able to do it or someday be able to. I believe in me. I can do this.

How timely, 30 yrs of a very high functioning, intelligent, narc/abusive wife. I'm 60 now, living on my own 6 months, she divorced me 3 months ago, thank God! I hate what has happened, but am so grateful that I have some time/life left to enjoy. Still have the love of my kids.

Seeking validation: It's a phenomenon that I have noticed since cell phones became ubiquitous. In the past, if you got put in check, you had to sit with it and process how you got yourself there. Along came cell phones, and here and there we see people walking around getting immediate validation from someone on the other end who probably doesn't dare say otherwise.

Putting oneself first is so important. There is a way to do this that is not narcissistic, in fact ends up being beneficial to others in the long run. It is not done at the expense of other people, as a narcissist might do and not care about. I am writing this as a person who needs to embrace this concept much more fully.

Perhaps, rather than becoming more assertive, a certain change this process might bring about is becoming more "private," less self-explanatory, more confident about just living one's life without feeling instinctively compelled to make sure one's lifestyle and choices are "okay" with others? Which, in its own way, is a kind of "assertion," isn't it, but in a quiet way. It goes into that unpredictability you mentioned, I think.

After I went no contact with my narcissistic mother (now deceased) I let my hair grow out. She always wanted me to dye it as she said it made her look older if I had gray hair. (I still complied even though I didn't see her that much and lived hours away!) Once it grew out, I realized it's actually a beautiful white blonde color, much better than my own attempts at dyeing it!!

The first one and half minutes summed it up for me. 'He' consumed too much of my life & energies which prevented ME from living! It's when I became ill that I acknowledged to myself that MY life deserved to come before HIS...and in order to heal I needed to shut him out and put MY life first. While there are times that I momentarily wonder if there could ever be connection in the future, I simply recall when I was quite sick, caused by stress, and swore to myself I'd never return to that point.

Honestly, out of all the content producers on here, your videos resonate the most deeply re. this type of abuse. I really appreciate it. Thank you.

Yes, "getting in touch with your feelings" means something so much greater and more important than, and in fact polarly opposite to what the pop-culture tends to mean by it. Understanding them, not fearing them, properly guaging them and shepherding them, analyzing them for what they tell you is going on inside of you, in order to make the wisest choices about them and regulate their influence on your behaviors, that is all immensely helpful, indeed therapeutic. The pop-culture tosses the phrase out there as if the key to a wonderful life is to be steered by our feelings. Nothing of the sort.

Brilliantly put and so helpful. I think my main lesson from this life is letting go. Not easy, painful but eventually there’s a sigh of relief that you did it

Thanks, Darren... learning to let your no be no on your own terms. Not having a need to justify. When you behave in a different way they up the ante to try and maintain the status quo.

I felt like I hit my last wall, but your words poured life into me so I could have the strength to keep going, please continue doing the good work that you do, spreading awareness and helping others navigate difficult situations. Thank you 🙏🏼 🤗 some of us go through our lives constantly looking for the good in others and when there is none to be found, it is difficult to accept, we keep trying to the detriment of ourselves, we are then left shattered without a sense of direction, in a constant state of confusion, and paralyzed.

Letting go has given me relief. Peace

Such an important video for everyone who has had this experience, great work Darren

I am so happy that I found your podcast! I wish I would have come across it a long time ago. I am hanging on to your every word! You really understand how narcissists operate and have explained it in such a thorough way!! After being married to a narcissist for 30 years (high school sweethearts), I go through a ton of emotions. I still ruminate and I hold a great deal of resentment toward my ex. I am still angry about allowing it to go on and on. Hindsight is 20-20! I need to totally LET GO and to learn to love myself. Thank you so much for validating my feelings. You have encouraged me to keep working on myself.

Very thoughtful and your compassion coming through. Comforting to those of us going through this right now.

Empty is exactly right. No matter how much charisma and love I had, the takers take too much, too much.

This is some of the best advise I have ever heard. Thank you. You are really kind and pragmatic about understanding this process. Thank you.