Why autism is DIFFERENT from narcissism

As an autistic person, I've learned recently that the ways I express empathy can sometimes be misconstrued as narcissistic. For example, when someone is telling me about a hard time they're going through, and I've experienced something similar, I'll tell them about my own experience. I've learned that this can be seen as narcissisticly trying to shift focus onto myself, but in my mind, its empathetic because I'm trying to comfort them and show them that they're not alone in their struggles. Empathy can present differently in autistic people than neurotypical people, and that can sometimes make it hard to see, which may be why there's this misconception that autistic people lack empathy or are narcissistic.

As an autistic, I'd like to add my two cents to the conversation: -there is the theory of the double empathy - some autistic have hyperempathy - it is more common that autistics are the victims of abuse rather than abusers - we are naive, which explains why we are abused so easily - we Want to understand the world, we are the type of people to read about psychology, astrology, body language or whatever because we so desperately want to understand and be understood - we don't want to hurt anybody, we feel terribly when we are told we did - we feel very strongly about justice and injustices - yes, it is possible to have both

This video was instrumental in the healing of the relationship between my father and me. He passed away in october, and for years I was convinced he was a narcissist but I started to realize after watching this that he was most likely on the autism spectrum. And I started to actually see his attempts at empathy, and when he passed away, we were very close and for that I will be eternally grateful to you. Right before he passed away, his last words were, "I love you," said to me while i held his hand. He had not spoken for a day and a half but managed to get those words out right before passing

As someone with ASD Level 1, I really appreciate this video. I have been told before that I acted like a Narcissist, and it CRUSHED me. I never want to hurt someone with my words, mostly when I speak frankly to someone, its just because I don't have the ability to think it through and say it more diplomatically. As someone who was raised by a narcissist mom, trust me, there's a big difference. She just waves it off when she hurts people and gives some kind of justification about why she had every right to say whatever. I hate it when someone gets their feelings hurt by what I say, and it stays in my mind FOREVER that I hurt that person. I still think about things I said, twenty-some-odd years later. We are not the same.

I thought my husband was narcissistic but after so many therapists for our marriage we finally found someone that could diagnose him...and me for that matter. Very high functioning autism. She was actually amazed that we made it as far as we did seeing as I have ADHD. Here is the thing, as soon as she diagnosed him our marriage got to the best it has ever been. I realized he just didn't get it and I became ok with it. He had no idea that he was hurting me. Everything changed. He is such a wonderful guy. 27 years and counting.

Personally, I'm on the autistic spectrum and I've realized over the past year that my ex was a narcissist. What's so weird is that I honestly thought he was just like me and had trouble expressing himself. As you might imagine, he took me to the cleaners emotionally. I'm still honestly recovering from it.

Thank so much for addressing this topic! I was married to a high functioning autistic man who was not diagnosed until he was 57. People thought he was a narcissist, but he never attempted the games, abuse, and uncaring attitudes I've experienced from narcissists. He was SO high functioning and social even I could not identify his autism, but I knew he was not a narcissist--we were married for 39 years, and were pretty happy together. Any trouble we had getting along was due to his autism. I could NEVER have put up with a narcissist that long! One of our kids also has autism, same type, and she didn't get identified until she was in her late 20s. Their sociability is what threw off the therapists--very high functioning autistic people can be very social, although this can exhaust them. Both my daughter and husband (he passed away last year) had trouble understanding other people, though, and both were brutally honest, even if it got them in trouble. They're 2 of the most ethical people I've ever known. My husband never cheated and was as reliable as the day is long. I'll take autism over narcissism ANY day!

It is not that us on the spectrum don't have empathy or understand emotions. The challenge is communication of emotions - our challenge is to IDENTIFY and EXPRESS them.

There's a legal concept called absence of malice, and I think, regarding the brutal honesty in verbal communication, may apply to the person living with autism. An autistic person is not the intentional tormentor that a narcissist is.

As someone on the ASD spectrum, these key differences lead me to feel as though us with autism and narcissists are natural enemies. We have almost a self depreciating modesty and feel a deep sense of injustice when others try to use bad faith to manipulate and won't engage in fair play. To me, it's nails on a chalkboard to me when I see egomaniacle, narcissistic people in the world who would rather gaslight and manipulate than be honest, whereas my asd has, I feel, always made me obsessed with the truth above all else.

I’ve been accused of being narcissistic by narcissists & am getting evaluated for autism. This was super helpful ❤ what I’d add is that autistic people feel empathy & may sometimes just struggle to have scripts or know what to say partly because the empathy is overwhelming

I’m autistic. Our “lack of empathy” is misunderstood. We have it, we just express it differently or unexpectedly. Eg: I’m willing to unload the dishwasher. It is a mystery to me that my husband saying “I’m tired” secretly means “can you please unload the dishwasher?”, so when I say “ok” in response to “I’m tired”, it’s apparently not the correct response.. It’s the double empathy problem. We communicate empathy effectively with other autistic people - but neyrptypicals expect a very specific and mysterious type of empathy demonstration in response to their indirect communication.

High functioning ASD here, some of us do have empathy, sometimes too much. Think of your emotions and social interaction as being automatic, an autistic person has a manual system. When we are interacting with another person, we search through a list of possible responses based on what has worked before or what we have witnessed other people do either in real life or on TV and in Movies. We rehearse these constantly and a great deal of planning goes into social contact. We memorise jokes, stories, and news articles so we have something to talk about, practice responses and facial expressions, study body language and rhythm of speech. We run through the conversation we are likely to have with you before we meet you, we break it down afterwards to see what bits worked and what didn't and store that away for next time. So if you take us by surprise or go "off script" or it is a situation we have not come across before, we empathise but are not sure of the response, especially if we don't know you that well. An example: A colleague at work announced that she was being made redundant and started crying, this came out the blue. Do I pat their shoulder? Hug her? Say something sympathetic? Say an experience that I had that was similar to show I understand how they are feeling? Cry with them? Call someone? Fetch a glass of water? Meanwhile, I am just standing there awkwardly watching her cry while I take far too long to decide. Automatic for you, a minefield for us. I genuinely have no clue which of those was the best response in that situation. Also in my experience, no autistic person wants to be the center of attention (unlike a narcissist). We have been bullied too much to enjoy a circle of faces fixed on us. All our energy goes into just trying to present as "normal" and we prefer to do that out of the spot light. As you can imagine all this is exhausting and this is why we avoid socialising.

My youngest son is diagnosed as being a high functioning autist, but he has a lot of empathy. He has also matured very significally over the years (now he is 38) and very intelligent, he lives on his own in his own house, pays his bills and function really well, to my joy. If I am sad - I always call him first, he understands me and comfort me! I love him so much!

I live with my autistic partner. And I have had exes in the past who are narcissistic. There is a palpable difference.

My husband is high functioning autistic & the kindest human I’ve ever met - 50 years later, I still feel this way. We struggled with communication in the beginning. A very helpful tool was binge watching tv series during the pandemic; specifically Gray’s anatomy. We anticipate the next steps of the characters & this really helped him & me to get understand each other & validate past experiences.

My mother in law convinced my wife I was a narcissist and they both treated me as such. I’m currently undergoing testing… for autism. And I can tell you this, if you treat some with ASD like a narcissist, you will literally put them through mental torture. And I’m not downplaying the torture.

As an aspie, I feel like autism carries much more genuine fear of socialization and tons if guilt for social interactions. I'll lie awake running through the the days events, overanalyzing & feeling so much guilt over anything I may have said that could have been taken the wrong way or secretly upset someone. I don't think Narcissists feel any of that. I don't imagine they ever think twice about their social interactions after they get what they need.

Just started this but from the get go I want to say your loved one doesn’t suffer with autism. They are autistic. There is nothing wrong with being autistic - it’s just a way of saying our brains are wired differently. It’s not an illness and shouldn’t be treated as such. Said with love

I’m an autistic adult with multiple disabilities. I’m struggling with a ending an narcissistic relationship. Thank you for your videos. You have taught me how to be indifferent. I struggle with comm issues and memory and emotional disregulation. I’m high functioning.I think that ppl with autism are the most empathetic ppl in this world. Ppl who have disabilities want to be loved, I want just be accepted and loved and validated.