Stop Apologizing. SAY THIS INSTEAD!

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Published 2019-02-11

I was recently reading an article on one of my favorite blogs Man Repeller about these two phrases and it really got me thinking. As an avid over apologizer I really wanted to understand the difference between the two and see where I could improve. Because if I’m being honest, I really hate that I say sorry so much, and I vividly remember getting yelled at by my softball coach to “stop saying sorry so much” to which I replied by saying (obviously) “sorry.” I was probably about 13 or 14 at the time, and after that interaction I became overly aware of just how often I found myself saying sorry. I would try to stop, but then I would feel like a total jerk and the guilt would ruin my day. I couldn’t figure out what to do, I even brought it up in therapy years later and my therapist tried to figure out why I was saying it so much.. Well maybe I can save you all those tough conversations and tell you what I learned about myself.
I say I’m sorry all the time because I hate upsetting people and I avoid confrontation at all costs. By saying I’m sorry, even when the situation doesn’t warrant it, I am doing my best to please others and stay out of the way so to speak. It’s almost like I needed to apologize for even existing, like I could upset someone by just being there.. So I would keep saying sorry over and over.
What my therapist had me do next is to work on my confidence. I know that may sound off base, but if I felt the need to apologize for just being, I obviously must not think too highly of myself. And that did help a TON, but I still found myself saying it too much. I am trying to be okay with the idea that I cannot please everyone. It’s simply not possible...I mean just think about it, if 2 people disagree with what should take place, what does someone like me do? If I don’t want to upset either of them I honestly can’t do anything. I will have to displease one of them, and you know what I have learned… it’s most important that I am pleased. And that’s the truth. One of my favorite quotes or sayings is “you can’t let yourself on fire to keep someone else warm” and I am really trying to remember that and have healthy boundaries around what I will do or not do for someone else, and truly what I will do for myself.
Okay, enough rambling on the topic of saying sorry. Now onto the phrase “thank you” because this is something I am trying to say more! While “sorry” is an apology and something you would say when you have wronged someone else, “thank you” is an acknowledgement of someone doing something right. You are letting them know you noticed it and you are grateful. For example if I show up late to meet someone instead of saying “sorry I’m late” because the other person will only say “oh it’s okay” and I will say sorry again and then they will say it’s okay again, and we will settle in. Instead if I say “thank you for waiting” I am acknowledging what they did for me. They waited. Sorry in a way makes it all about the person who did something wrong or inconsiderate instead of focusing of the person who was waiting. Does that make sense? I hope so. So after reading this blog post I have decided to try and say thank you when someone did something nice for me instead of saying sorry.
repeller.com/there-are-two-kinds-of-people-sorry-p…

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All Comments (21)

@drumblebee 5 years ago

whenever im emailing a professor that i have to miss class due to mental health issues, i ALWAYS say either “thank you for your patience” or “thank you for your understanding” because im not actually sorry, its out of my control that im missing class
@PNE2611 5 years ago

Im British if I walk past someone on the street I say sorry
@CarolynsRVLife 5 years ago

I learned a long time ago to stop apologizing for being me. I notice when I start doing it again it's because I'm feeling insecure for some reason and it's a sign to stop and assess.
@athghost2256 5 years ago

Me: accidentally steps on my cats foot Me: thank you for walking under my feet even when I'm trying to move
@abbeyc4865 5 years ago

I think it comes from the same place as being a people pleaser... Great video!
@Emrader00 5 years ago

I have SUCH a bad problem with apologizing. I always feel like I’m wrong and that I’m hurting others. My math teacher is the one in my life that has yelled at me for saying sorry. But I don’t know how to stop because I alway feel self conscious and I have low self esteem so saying sorry helps me feel better because it relieves stress. I feel like I’m wrong all the time and I want to say sorry. I hate my self so much and saying sorry is me apologizing for me existing. I don’t know why but I always feel like a burden to the people around me and I feel like I have to please them because I can be happy. But I’m never happy so I don’t know what to do.
@naomikyle 5 years ago

I have to actively fight my urge to apologize on a daily basis. I'm definitely better than I was but it's a constant battle. Now that I understand why I do it (to please others/ avoid conflict/Canadian) I'm much better at catching myself. Actively fighting it helped me feel more confident and that's how you know it's the best thing for you.
@MrHackSatireVideos 5 years ago

I really struggle with this, as well. It drives my wife nuts!! I apologize when I get really passionate about a subject, and talk about it for longer than I think I should. I don't know why, though. Maybe I think that I'm boring the other person.
@themostgraciousqueenmarger2015 5 years ago

I used to say I'm sorry all the time when I was the one who was being abused
@AjaCandita 5 years ago

The timing on this video is prescient, looks like it resonates with so many of us. I apologize SO much, like so much. When I over-apologize in therapy my counselor asks why are you apologizing and I never have an answer. I’ve never thought about why I feel the need to constantly apologize, maybe I should be looking into it. Thanks Kati, feels like you read the minds of your Kinions.
@CyanidePusher 5 years ago

I love this! I started practicing this a couple years ago and I noticed a huge difference, especially in my work. If someone is annoyed and I say "Thank you for your patience" it's like a cloud is lifted off of them and the irritation is dispelled. They almost take it like a compliment. :)
@LifeWithUs 5 years ago

Being the eldest children in a house of verbal and physical abuse, with parents of addiction, it was essential to apologize for everything. As an adult I've found it impossible to break this habit. And instead of society finding it as a positive quality, most find it annoying. For me it is an indicator of someone with a similar childhood. When someone else apologizes as profusely as I do, it opens a door to a deeper conversation. Kinda interesting 😊
@AD-gl2tw 5 years ago

I love your hair
@unleashingpotential-psycho9433 5 years ago

I have seen people who apologize for things that aren’t even their fault. I feel like over apologizing is not good for someone’s mental health since they are indirectly taking blame for things they never did 🔥🔥🔥
@Your_Entire_Reality_Is_A_Lie 5 years ago

Ten thousand thumbs up. Wow, explained my mind n situation to a t...I'm ALWAYS saying sorry....my daughter laughed at me for even saying SORRY TO A DONKEY!! I honked my horn accidentally and scared it..I yelled out SORRY!!!.I am immediately apologizing to EVERYONE....and......every animal......
@C_Bat 5 years ago

I just finished a LadyLike video where they got personal assistants, there were literally comments saying "don't say sorry, say thank you for their help". Then this came up...... wow.
@ShamsunNahar-nf1ty 5 years ago

To be honest, I am too shy to even say sorry but even if I do apologize, I'll be awkward and then blame myself forever for being rude.
@AD-gl2tw 5 years ago

I literally just write down in my journal I need to stop pleasing everybody except for myself. I need it this video. Thank you Kati
@mickybyrne60 5 years ago

Love the new hair! It really suits you.
@SweettCurls 5 years ago

I have this problem where I say “I don’t know” a lot. Especially when committing to a decision or an opinion. I recently got called out on it, and I couldn’t figure out why I say “ I don’t know “a lot.