The One Question You Need to Understand Who You Are

In my experience, parents often encourage obedience to their kids and conflate it with respect. We can respect people without agreeing with them on everything but children are not allowed to disagree. The belief that children are incapable of having their own voice that has an intrinsic value is held by a lot of parents all over the world. Interestingly, such parents raise their children to become obedient and stoic but want them to simultaneously be assertive and happy later in life. It's like deliberately stemming the growth of a plant and wondering why it's not blooming.

My father had a very short fuse and a bad temper. To this day, (I'm 59) I avoid conflict and situations that had a potential to escalate. This fear made me weak. Only recently, I allowed myself to be disagreeable and feel comfortable saying No.

I can't imagine a better childhood than mine. I got unconditional love from my mother (almost to a fault.) From her I learned compassion, empathy, loyalty, a love of beauty (such as art & music,) and much more. My father gave me great love in a different form -- he encouraged me to be strong, resilient, responsible, honest, & more. From him I learned things like the importance of self-development, a love of reading, personal accountability, introspection, and perseverance. He pushed me at times, but I always knew he loved me. I was a happy child and have had a VERY good life. My sisters and I often discuss this -- we feel VERY lucky.

When I was a kid, my dad had a need for me to be perfect - straight A's, well behaved, do whatever he told me to do and agree with him on everything. My mom, on the other hand, she just needed me to exist. Because he needed me to behave a certain way to be loved, I've always felt that love had to be earned by being a good boy - and never valued love that just existed, because it wasn't earned - it always felt fake. Yes, I know that's completely effed up - I still haven't managed to get myself de-programmed from it.

Well, that was a real downer first thing in the morning! Because the thing that I had to do to appease my single parent (mother) was to not exist. I was raised in a "children should be seen but not heard" family. I tried my best to be invisible and not take up too much space or use too much oxygen. At 70, I look back and see how this has affected all areas of my life, and how I have come to the place where I am. I know now that I cannot please everyone and I am OK with that. I also know that my mother had her own issues ( which I don't know what they were), and that I am not responsible. I was about 15 when I first realized that the only way I could make my mother happy was to be unhappy. And, even then, that just didn't seem right! Bless everyone who was affected by this post. 😊😊😊

My mother often blew up at my brother for being difficult, so I learnt to be easy and meek. This bypassed her temper and got through to her kindness, but now I find myself too meek to say my mind when I am legitimately hurt, angered, or upset by others. The law of my land was "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it at all." I'm now learning instead to "find the nicest, but still truthful, way to say it."

It's like deprogramming what we learn to program who we truly are.

Inner child healing I think is essential for every human to find compassion for themselves and others.

these kind of stories tend to remind me that my childhood (and teenage years) actually was a pretty great time, in many small ways and in the few details I can remember now it's so long ago. My father encouraged me to enjoy reading, but also to go have fun with my friends, as he was always more introverted. My mother shared her care of animals, and they both had a love of music which I gained and they both encouraged me to be kind to others. I'm the guy who sees someone drop something and grabs it for them so they don't lose it. Wish I'd learned more of mum's skills such as cooking and sewing when I was younger and lazier as she's passed away now. I'd like to think she'd have been proud to see me raising and caring for the little cat family born in my back yard. If I ever become a dad, I'd like to be a bit like my own parents. And I realise such a small percentage of people can say that, and while that's sad, I'm thankful for it.

I emigrated as soon as all connections to my childhood died or disappeared. The relief was palpable. I was in my early 60’s though. It took a long time & I had no idea that in disconnecting from the past I could feel so much better.

As toddlers, Kids see their parents as Gods. So anything their parents tell them is the absolute truth even if the parent(s) continually criticise them. This constant negative conditioning throughout their developmental years makes the kid grow up thinking that they are defective & unworthy of love. This is then carried on into adult life and has a life long impact on their self esteem, relationships and success levels.

I emigrated years ago from my republic, as it was ryfe with emotional tyranny. Actually, I laughed at the beginning as it is a trick question. It took me years to realize there is nothing I can do that will ever be good enough. Hence, I had to leave, for my own sanity.

I wasn't allowed to be smarter than my father. He paid for me to attend college, but I believe that secretly, he hoped I'd drop-out and come home to the family business (like all my brothers and cousins did). After I graduated, I went on to grad school and, ultimately, law school. We grew further and further apart after that. My mother had gone to college but we always avoided talking about it. My Dad was incredible insecure.

This hits hard. I’m still a victim i find. In adult relationships. Self esteem, self worth, boundaries, insecurity, fighting for myself, fear of backlash or repercussions i don’t understand or see coming - all things i have serious difficulties with. And it continues to damage me. Even on my current close but non-romantic friendship relationship with also a beautiful but clearly damaged person (and housemate). There are very very hard moments and/or days.

Moms and dads were also programmed and didn't know how to raise their first kid.. When it gets to their grandchildren, they chill out. Trauma is the past, anxiety is the future, bills, however, still need to be paid.

I have really lovely warm parents who created a wonderful childhood generally, but what they did teach me that has been hard to completely overcome is that I was the "easy" child who never had any issues, and that was good because they already had their hands full with my brothers, who are highly gifted and struggled socially and academically. Basically what this taught me is that I should never have a problem or need help, and if I do I'm failing. Still unpacking this with my therapist and with my parents themselves.

How beautiful and important this is. Thank you The School of Life again.

i think other figures have impacted how my brain got wired during childhood even more than my parents, such as my neighbors, peers, relatives. especially relatives. like, now that i'm in my 20s i can see how a huge part of my negative inner voice was once this aunt's or uncle's outer voice towards me. also, even now that i'm an adult, i can still feel these people whom i didn't choose to be associated with with blood, influencing my self-image and world view. i hate how it's so excruciatingly hard to break free from how a group of toxic people shapes you as a person and you never chose to be born among them.

You talk about the same topics over and over yet you do so in a new way almost every time deepening my understanding of the subject at hand and I appreciate that.

I don’t love myself, and sometimes I feel as if I am unlovable. However, when I look back, I only remember that I was loved by my parents unconditionally. My parents always say: “People miss out if they choose to avoid you,” but often I feel the complete opposite. That I am always on the edge to being left behind because I can’t be loved truly. However those thoughts of mine are toxic, and I need to change that mindset, although it can feel very very real