The Covert Narcissist: What You Need To Know - The Terri Cole Show

Lemme know below: what did you learn from this video? What are you thinking? Have you had a relationship with a vulnerable narc before?

Hi Terri, You just described my covert narcissist of 30 years! They abuse their intimate partners & children, everyone else thinks their kind and generous. The passive aggression wears you down. The constant undermining. Finally left him after 30 years of emotional abuse.

My brother is a covert narc. My breaking point was listening him sharing his latest detailed victim story to his close friend who burried his father an hour earlier. Such lack of empathy, respect and concideration of a person in grief. Unbelievable

This was a perfect explanation of what it’s like to live with a vulnerable narc. It is insidious and very difficult to detect. You just know there’s something going on and your body is feeling it as well.

Was married to a Covert Narrisist for 28yrs, he portrayed perfect husband outside the house but BY GOD behind closed doors wss COMPLETELY DIFFERENT, Now divorced and live in PEACE

The overwhelmingly exhausting negativity of the covert narcissist also comes with an underlying message that it's your fault they are not happy. You are not working hard enough for them.

They are the most miserable, self-hating snd loathing, passive aggressive, vindictive, boring energy vsmpires. And they mirror OUR empathy to others. I think they seek empathetic people to feel what it's like to have real emotions and help them navigate the world they simply can never authentically know. Victim victim victim. They are so boring!!!

Covert narcissists also love bomb, invalidate, discard and hoover, they are just usually more introverted about it. So while an overt narc might love bomb with gifts, nights out and physical looks the covert narc will love bomb with fake emotions and instant intimacy, they might say you are their soul mate etc.

I ended up feeling responsible for him, like he "needs" me to protect his fragile vulnerability. All while he treated me like his mommy, took me for granted, used me as a tool/ toy, sucked up all of my time and thoughts trying to make him happy, buying him things, doing things for him that he could do for himself. All the while complaining to anyone who would listen when I wasn't in earshot about how "mean" and "angry" I am to poor little him all the time. And going to other women because he got "scared and confused" about his emotions. ugh.

Coverts also triangulate a lot. They tell us about other people who comforted them today, who entertained them, invited them to a dinner. Making us compete to take care of them, comfort, compliment, pulling them up etc. Very exhausting. Thank you for a great video.

I am married to a vulnerable narcissist and every point you make is spot on, especially the part where you talk about the negativity. I am about to do something about it, an appointment with an attorney next week. The thing is that with a vulnerable narcissist you can be stuck in this relationship for decades before you piece together what is really wrong (25 years before I figured it out). The vindictiveness is what I am most afraid of right now, so I am getting out bit by bit without alerting her to what I am doing. I really hope that a lot of people view this video, since it might just help someone avoid being stuck for as long as I was. Thank you for putting this out there.

So happy to have found this channel. An ex friend is def a vulnerable narc. I knew 'something' was off when I first met her but couldn't put my finger on it. Initially, it was the chronic complaining, victim mentality (very quick to share her horrible childhood, horrible marriage - usually people don't overshare right up front - they hold off until they know they can trust you), blaming others for HER decisions in life and on and on it went. Finally, after years, I started to see the entitlement issues - her inviting herself to events that were NOT appropriate for her to attend - my vacations, my family reunions, an invite from a childhood friend who had moved several states away and wanted me to come visit. In all of these cases, the vul narc didn't know any of these people - she just hated the fact that I had a life. I enforced my boundaries (that I have no problem enforcing). In all cases, she pushed back and back and back, played the guilt card. I finally told her, "You don't have to 'get' it but you do have to respect it" - she just had zero insight/empathy - she minimized my feelings, etc. She just didn't think my boundaries (that honestly, I didn't have to enforce with anyone else but her) applied to her because she really felt my boundaries didn't apply to her - when I assured her that they did. She was just that black hole that couldn't be filled - never happy or content. I'm speaking in past tense because I stopped participating in that friendship - her negative vibe was overwhelming. That feeling that I was really dealing with a five year old trapped in a middle aged woman's body - is very real.

I worked for one for years, and the emotional drain was intense. Only being away from it now for a few months I realized the toll it took on my own mental health. No more walking on eggshells!!

You just described my Mother to a "T". It's a highly damaging pattern to grow up with. The child (me) isn't allowed to have boundaries. So, your book and all the info is helping me recover. Thanks, Terri. You are grand.

Been dating one for 5years i couldnt understand the blame shifting, i thought for a long time something wrong with me. It was always about him, taking care of him, understanding him the minute i raised my need THE AGGRESSION and BLAME became too much. Im not hurt now cos i cried a lot in the 5 years blaming myself, trying to make my relationship work, he would break up with me and i would panic, even though i was not in the wrong i would end up apologising. I would feel so small and one day i saw a message to his friend as to how stupid i was, Im done I cant nurse this person no more

I always knew my dad was a narcissist but there was a couple things that never added up, but he checks all the boxes for Covert Narcissism and now it makes sense. Thank you!

I'd never thought a narcissist could be anything but flashy... Definitely helpful. This part really got my attention: when you say a covert narcissist will pretend they care if you're in pain, but it's just a means to get their narcissistic supply. So they'll mirror your pain and even your tears, but that'll just keep everything going as it is. I can relate to this.

I’d never thought my mother was covert narcissist until I was advised to watch “The Mother” movie by Roger Michell as an example of covert narz behavior. First I could’t get the point: main character’s behavior seemed absolutely normal to me, because that’s what I’d got used to through my childhood. But then, by the end of the movie, and especially after watching the psychological analysis of the movie, which I found on YouTube, I realised EVERYTHING. All those manipulations that “poor thing” had been using all my life. That mask of a kind woman who helps and cares. I realized her envy. Then I watched dozens of “Narz” videos on YouTube of any kind. But still I couldn’t confirm my mother was narz (I doubted whether she was codependent empath), but when I found Terri and watched her videos about “How YOU feel when you are in the relationships with narzs” (all I’d watched before was about “How narzs feel inside”, not about their victims’ feelings), finally I accepted. Point by point - everything matched absolutely. Even the point about “Golden child” - the dignity which is not appropriate for me as I have always been a scapegoat (becauseI ’m alike my father), but 100% appropriate for my sister who is so alike my mother.

This described my ex to perfect detail, right down to the eye rolling and door punching. It was so accurate it made me nauseous. He made me feel crazy, and I’m so relieved I got out and away from him.

You just described my 87 year old MIL! My husband, his two sisters and I are caregiving for her. She is incredibly mean and cruel to me, but dotes on her own adult children. She insults me in private and then is sugar sweet when others are around. You are so very right…this is extremely frustrating because others do not see it. Luckily, my husband is beginning to see her true colors, and I am starting to set some boundaries with her. Thank you for helping me to have more clarity…this is so helpful!!