existing only to exist

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"Her purpose to uncover who she is prevents her from being." That one hit.

One man told me: We live the first half of our lives to sin and the second half to atone for our sins. Now I agree with him.

“If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were made for another world.” ~ C.S. Lewis

The absurd feels like an ocean; some days simply swimming through it and admiring its wonders feels like enough reason to live, and other days it feels like a struggle just to find the motivation to keep treading water and not drown.

I am without rutter, as I walk the road of life. No goal or mission bound, I do a day's work then lay down at night. Repeating this task each day. I fall further and further down, meaninglessness bound. Recalling the absurd nature of this world , stirs a memory. "Life doesn't have inherent meaning, it just is. You can choose your own meaning or choose to continue to struggle it matters not what keeps you going as long as you keep going".

Every breath I take is a literal "FU" to those who said I wasn't worthy of that breath. My very existence is an act of sincere rebellion. Don't let the bad guys win. Keep breathing.

It's easy to say "search for your purpose" but sometimes you simply can't find it, or no purpose you give yourself gives you happiness. I could dedicate myself to anything, and whether I achieve it or not nothing will take away the emptiness.

"Existing Only To Exist" is something i've contemplated before; i asked myself over the years, "what is the point of it all?" and the answer often ocellated between "life is to live, nothing more, nothing less" and "life is happiness; that's the goal" but as of late, i've begun to wonder if that line of thinking was too simple. At 6 years old, i stood in front of my grandfather's open casket, trying to grasp the situation, only to have his daughter, my mother, tell me the cold simple truth, "He's dead and gone. Everyone dies, even me, even you. It's best you get used to it." and those words stuck with me. Not long after that day, i gained the experience of thinking i would surely starve to death and trying to make peace with that. Surrounded by filth and having lost the burning pain in my gut [or perhaps just learning to forget it was there] i found peace with just one simple thing: a cat. A stray cat who would sneak up to the back door and take some kibble from my hand. She let me pet her, and i thought to myself, "that's enough. i can die happy, knowing i've made a friend." Years ago, i was driving to work at a very dangerous location, and i thought it was strange that i wasn't afraid. I remember thinking to myself, "i should probably be scared shitless." but then i just smiled and shrugged and thought, "honestly, life is pretty great right now; i finally found someone who loves me. it's okay if i die today." Today, i look forward to escaping a bad situation in about 176 days [give or take a day] and finally having a place to call home. Yes, the aforementioned love will be a part of that home. In the in-between, where i find myself today, i feel i am in that "drifting" state, but i know it is a temporary one. Reality/Existence is what you make of it; some find reality with the agreed-upon rules of the majority, while others find that their existence, their reality, takes place elsewhere. I believe, in their own ways, both are valid. Do i know where my existence lies, be it one or the other? No, but that's okay. There's always time.

May this help anyone. I am so tired. So far I've kept going. I've lost every job I've had. No home. Only one in my family hasn't given up on me. I've spent the last ~3 years falling into depression, barely and occasionally keeping a roof over my head. I turned my perspective around. To live free. To live in the present instead of the past. To live in the present instead of the future. To strip away all of the illusions I've propped my world up with. Hard work doesn't pay off. Compassion, forgiveness, vulnerability, are not given when received. Family doesn't always mean no one gets left behind. So I keep on living. Because sunrises are good. And landscapes are pretty. Hugs are nice. I am not powerless. I am not helpless. I am very close. But, what I can do, is choose. I can choose to smile. I am pushing up my boulder. I choose to smile.

With so many people trying to see the world only as black-white and good-evil, it's comforting to listen to videos like this that acknowledge we are all suffering from the same dilemma. Some accept it and explore it, some will just endlessly fight it with denial.

"There are those who look back on their lives and realize that out of all the lives they could of lived they lived the one not worth living"

I felt like I was existing only to exist as a child and teen because I didn’t see myself as capable of anything of contributing anything actually meaningful to the World. I felt too stupid, but I realized I was calling myself that when I had never even fully tried at anything so how could I know what I was actually capable of.

I believe one of the most important things to cultivate when living in an absurd world is a sense of resilience. As you said when discussing Sonny Boy, someone unfettered by mortality may resign themselves to a passive, bleak existence-- not seeking anything out because they're bound to experience everything anyway. However the opposite also exists; someone constantly tormented by the knowledge of their own mortality may remain passive for a multitude of reasons. The most obvious reason is that they may be too afraid to take risks that may possibly lead to an earlier mortality. But there's another reason that I see as very common, which is that people become too afraid of making choices in the limited time they have in fear that it will come to define the totality of their life and being, so they paradoxically choose nothing. This is why I believe resilience to be so important. The choices you make, the things you choose to devote yourself to, they are necessary, but don't wholly define who you are. I've set many goals for myself that I've achieved, then realized ultimately that they weren't as important to me as I had thought during the journey there. Some of them even shook my worldview a bit, as I realized afterward they held no personal importance and were only expectations placed upon me by others. But they don't shake me as a person, if that makes sense. Because I am the one orienting myself in this world, and I am the one choosing the meaning I pursue. If what I pursue does not end up serving me positively in some way, I know that my 'self' lives on independently from it, and that I have the strength to continue on elsewhere. That being said, I do believe some amount of guidance from greater society is necessary. One has to understand the world in order to be able to orient themselves within it. However, I'm not sure I agree with what society tends to value and reward now, so I'm also a bit at odds with it. There's probably more I could say but I'm reaching dangerous levels of text LOL. Overall a really thought-provoking video, I really like this kind of content.

I dunno if I understood the video but this describes my life right now. I always had a lack of ambition and never really knew what kind of life I want to live. There was a time I thought I found my purpose when I was with my ex. We got engaged but circumstances happened and we eventually didn't work out. I'm 34 and working at a job which pays the bare minimum. It's not a bad job and I am enjoying it but sometimes I ask myself if this is all my life will be from now on. I draw or play the guitar or sing or play video games during my spare but I don't feel motivated to make any of those anything more than a hobby. Drawing is something I want to pursue but I'm not motivated enough to really go through with making it a career. All in all I am pretty much adrift. I feel disconnected with a lot of things around me and just pretty much go through each day. The last part of the vid gave me a bit of insight that maybe where I'm currently at is the revolt...i still don't really know where I would go from here but I guess I'm just gonna do whatever i feel like the whole way. I dunno if what I make sense. This video just made me really think a lot

I was born because a spiteful narcissistic father took advantage of the loving and innocent and naive nature of his girlfriend that he later married. My home was always one of fatherly abuse and mother's feelings of inadequacy to save us from him. Me and my brothers knew only forced love, forced obedience, and punishment for retaliation. To this day I feel like my development was stunted by a lack of parental knowledge pertaining to the proper raising of children. I resent them both to this day but I keep in contact with the failure of a mother whom usually tried to do the best she could and rarely gave up on me. They have both damned me. Through genetics and the terrible environment of my childhood I gained 5 disorders that make daily life with human interaction nearly impossible. The two that took the most from me are Bipolar and Borderline Personality Disorder. The Absurd has been my one constant companion and I always envisioned escaping it instead of facing it, thou it ironically stares into me every waking moment. I used to avoid the Absurd by seeking platonic and romantic companionship, but for every friend I lost due to my own fault I lost four because they judged me for past actions and for my mental state. I have had full-blooded family tell me they only know my story through the harsh and biased retellings from my parents and that they fear me too much to feel comfortable learning who I really am. No one loves me. I have no one. I am alone. After leaving my childhood home as an adult I decided to Revolt against the Absurd. I soon realized that I was not simply content with the rote motions of Revolt unless I had someone who loved me and accepted me through my struggles. Through my repeated loss of friends, family, and romantic relationships I have accepted that my personality and my biased way of viewing the world does not allow for the trusting of others, nor can I believe in a General Goodness of people. My Revolt only manifests as living off of those who understand my inability to provide for myself and choosing to try to improve my station. I have lived on couches for years now and I am tired. I have only found better ways to communicate how tired I am. I am alone. And I am exhausted. I write this on 3-27-24 and as of April 1st, during the month of my birth, I will be homeless and living in the cold streets of Farmington New Mexico. If meaning finds me there then all the better. And if not... If not then I will destroy the human half of my battle with the Absurd. So be it.

I've always thoroughly enjoyed the simple thought of: "Life would be better without me in it and thus I shall continue to live"

I think another show that captures that feeling of futility is The Tatami Galaxy Our protagonist is constantly aiming for an idealized college campus life, but in doing so loses sight of his own college experience. In the final episodes he is confronted with a cruel and pointless universe trapped within his rooms, and learns of what had existed in his previous lives he had taken for granted. It's probably one of my favorite shows just from it's ability to draw out this message in the most fun, trippy, exhilarating way possible PLEASE GO WATCH IT

Ever since I was a young child I’ve always seen myself in the same static and stoic self and have heavily related to characters like Spike from cowboy bebop and Ginko from Mushishi in the sense that I can just experience tragedy, face danger and lose friends and still remain simply indifferent to said situations and move on. I live just to exist and lack purpose. Constantly laid back and bored and extremely jaded but still going on to find something to keep me tied to this existence I loathe, maybe a soulmate or a ride or die friend or even just a career I genuinely enjoy etc. I always tend to roam around in my city at night and just converse with random people or go on weird random adventures because I’m relatively nomadic and like to stay distracted from how empty my life is. I am eternally adrift and tired, lacking any real connection, if you will. What I like about some of these certain shows and anime I’ve grown up watching is how they display existentialism and loneliness and how these characters cope and overcome or just accept the circumstances around them. I’ve never valued my life therefore I just go with the flow and try not to think, because whenever I do I tend to cycle back to the same boredom and jadednesses I always feel, back to square 1. That’s why I’ve always lived by the famous quote of my favourite stoic, broke, hungry, and depressed bounty hunter… “Whatever happens, happens.” - Spike Spiegel

I've been struggling recently with existing. The world seemed to be purposeless and I felt lost. Throughout most of my life, I've struggled with wanting to die because of circumstances or people around me. The specifics don't really matter. I spent years fighting to stay alive. That was my goal. I fought with everything in order to want to live. About a year ago, I reached that point. Life got better and I wanted to live. Having spent years without imagining I'd have any future, I was left with basically nothing and no goals. I fought the toughest battle for years with nothing to show for it except time. Now I wanted to live but with no real reason. It's been like drifting around, lost and wanting to live but not having a reason to exist. It's difficult to pick up the pieces of your life after it's been shattered many times but no one talks about what to do once you've spent the time putting the pieces back in place. After your purpose has been lost and you feel like all the time you spent fixing things was pointless. Once you heal, you end up back at the start in a way. Where you were before you broke but much more fragile this time. This video helped me realise that finding a reason isn't necessary. One can exist for the sake of existing and still be happy. I don't know if this little rant means much to anyone else, it's just my experience and I wanted to share how I felt. The world can be shitty but at the end of the day, you may as well live in it since it's an experience you'll never have again. Any time spent can't be retrieved and so why not use it? There is no inherent meaning to life or goal to achieve and there doesn't need to be. That's kind of what I've learnt anyways. If you got this far, I'd like to say thanks for reading my comment (: