Esther Perel: Relationships and How They Shape Us | Feel Better Live More Podcast
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Published 2020-06-30
In this conversation, I speak to arguably one of the world’s leading and most original thinkers on modern relationships, the wonderful, Esther Perel, who has long been on my dream guest list.
We talk about the many differences between relationships of the past and the relationships of now. How we are now all under pressure not only to have the perfect relationship, but also to portray this illusion to others as well.
Esther believes that it’s the quality of our relationships that determines the quality of our lives. And who we are is actually a combination of how we see ourselves and how others see us. We only really get to know ourselves through our interactions with others.
We talk about the idea that we are not one person but different with each person – and rather than being one-way, all interactions are reciprocal. We discuss the value of couples’ counselling and whether it’s something all relationships, healthy or otherwise, need. Reassuringly, we learn that there’s no such thing as a perfect relationship, they all follow a rhythm of harmony, disharmony and repair.
Esther and I touch and expand on our own situations and how the family history and values you bring to a relationship or marriage impacts the dynamic between you. She talks us through how much the concept of marriage has changed over the past century, and how it’s a tall order to ask just one person in our lives to meet all of our needs – needs which once would have been shared across our extended families and communities.
This episode is a joyous celebration of all the relationships in our lives. It’s challenging, poignant but ultimately hugely practical. Esther offers some wonderful examples of practices we can all start implementing today, from rituals to build strength in our intimate relationships, to advice on reframing criticism or starting difficult conversations at work. The upshot? Rather than hoping others will change, we can be the change ourselves.
It was a great pleasure to speak with such an incredible lady and I know that you will get a lot of value from hearing what she has to say.
Show notes available at drchatterjee.com/119
Connect with Esther:
Website www.estherperel.com/
Instagram www.instagram.com/estherperelofficial/
Facebook www.facebook.com/esther.perel/
Twitter twitter.com/estherperel
YouTube @estherperel
Esther’s podcasts:
Where should we begin? whereshouldwebegin.estherperel.com/
How’s work? howswork.estherperel.com/
Esther’s books:
Mating in Captivity – amzn.to/3eN0qVK
The State of Affairs – amzn.to/2YIqL1A
Esther’s TED talks:
The secret to desire in a long-term relationship www.ted.com/talks/esther_perel_the_secret_to_desir…
Rethinking fidelity….a talk for anyone who has ever loved www.ted.com/talks/esther_perel_rethinking_infideli…
Related FBLM podcasts:
#37 How Our Childhood Shapes Every Aspect of Our Health with Dr. Gabor Maté • How Our Childhood Shapes Every Aspect...
#75 What Every Parent Should Know with Philippa Perry • What Every Parent Should Know with Ph...
#feelbetterlivemore #estherperel #relationships
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All Comments (21)
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Love this Joni Mitchell quote on relationships - It said: ‘If you want endless repetition, see a lot of different people. If you want infinite variety, stay with one.’ What happens when you date is you run all your best moves and tell all your best stories — and, in a way, that routine is a method for falling in love with yourself over and over. You can’t do that with a longtime mate because he knows all that old material. With a long relationship, things die and then are rekindled, and that shared process of rebirth deepens the love. It’s hard work, though, and a lot of people run at the first sign of trouble. You’re with this person, and suddenly you look like an asshole to them or they look like an asshole to you — it’s unpleasant, but if you can get through it, you get closer and you learn a way of loving that’s different from the neurotic love enshrined in movies. It’s warmer and has more padding to it.”
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Her skill of verbalization is brilliant.
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Esther is my virtual therapist! Such aha moments every time I listen to her!
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I’m really grateful for the access to her material. Many of us don’t get the right help to improve our marriages. It can literally take months and month to even get access to therapy. This access has literally saved my marriage from disasters in the midst of crisis from infidelity. Thank you Esther and a few other in the digital world for sharing your wisdom with those of us who couldn’t afford to pay for it. God Bless you !
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"Behind every criticism is a wish" I really like this!
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"The essence of a conversation is not what you say but how you listen" . Brilliant ! Thanks to both of you Esther and Rangan
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She’s simply the best! Straight, to the point, no nonsense and reflective in her answers.
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I'm so happy that Esther answered the whole "you must know or love yourself before you love someone else". It never made sense to me because if that were the case, how come people with low self-esteem (conscious or unconscious) be in a loving relationship? And how will you ever fully know yourself if identity is fluid and an ongoing process in our lives? I fully believe that we get to know ourselves through the relations we make with others and the relationships we create. Relationships are a great option for self-discovery, because they really help you reveal sides of yourself, you never thought you had
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I’m lying down with two heat packs (it’s cold in Melbourne) and loving my podcasts. I am learning so much. People that watch TV have no idea what they are missing!!!!
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When your in a bad relationship it makes you become a bad person ,or brings out the worst in you,and it changes you. This is so true ! If your in a bad relationship you can change for the worst. It happens with people.
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*Meaning making = the stories we tell ourselves. 'Only know yourself through INTERACTIONS with OTHERS: the way I SPEAK is INFLUENCED by the way you LISTEN. The way I see MYSELF is INFLUENCED by the way you SEE ME. We are not just ONE PERSON, we might have core characteristics we are shaped by the relationship we are in. The RELATIONSHIP MAKES US'
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Am hooked on this lady she explains things in a whole different way ... deep
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She for me is the most learned, brilliant, impressive to lead us all about how to shape our relationships and lives. I want to listen her with all my attention.
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Esther is amazing. It's so easy for her to connect with people that she's able to turn every interview into a therapy session.
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“Little did you know you were going to be the abusive brother, the adoring father” wow I love this paradigm shift and perspective!!! The stories we tell ourselves and the characters we play in the stories of others 🙏🏽❤️
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"Now, a few minutes ago, you called me master. What is a master? I would say that he is not someone who teaches something, but someone who inspires the student to do his best to discover a knowledge he already has in his soul." Paulo Coelho
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"If you want to change the other, change yourself". "Listen" Thank you for another brilliant, humane, meaningful discourse on relationships.
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Aaah want to write down every second sentence, to revisit and rethink, love her
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I'm a big fan of Esther, I discovered her on TED talks a few years back..... I lover her wisdom and knowledge with all things relationships💕🍀. ....I could listen all day💕🍀 and I'm a fan of Dr Rangan too, he has such an approachable and down to earth attitude to people, Blessings from Ireland 🍀 🍀 🍀 🍀
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She is such a wise, lovely, intelligent, loving soul! Thanks for such a productive, profound conversation.
